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Monday, August 18, 2014

Some venting

I don't have a specific topic in mind but I wanted to write anyway.  We upped Carter's calories with his Pediasure because he hasn't gained weight in awhile.  He starts preschool next Wednesday, which I'm sure he'll be excited about once he's back there and sees his teacher and friends.  He has enjoyed his summer with Brenda- she helps him color, walk and play with toys.  It has given him somewhere to go and new things to do.  Carter has a cold right now so is fussier and he gave it to the other kids.  Sierra deals with it well, but the poor baby has been congested and has made for a little bit more sleepless nights.  I think things have been catching up with me, I'm getting more tired and a bit ornery lately.  I think once you've gone without enough sleep for enough time you think you're used to it, but then you hit this spot where you start to get ornery about it.  At least I do.  Who doesn't love sleep and function better with it, right?  I love having Keaton, he is such a good baby, but it still wears on you.  He does love being held, which baby doesn't, so by the end of the day I really need a break.  I am changing like 15-16 diapers a day between the 3 kids and let's see...4 meals for Carter, 3-4 for Sierra, and about 8 for Keaton.  Once you add everything up just getting through the necessities of a day starts to sound a little depressing.

I think in life it's normal that the day to day stuff just starts to bum us out.  We have our routines and such which is normal and necessary, but as a Mom sometimes it just gets a bit much.  I know I have a newborn so it's expected, but I guess I'm at that point I wanted to vent a little.  My post partum depression has gotten better as I've bonded with Keaton and gotten to know him more.  But I still have my hard days like lately, or get stressed or bummed out.  I tend to let my mind run with me once I'm bummed out which only makes it worse.  I start to compile lists in my head of things I need to do, or worries about the future and things that I wish were better or that I could change, etc.  I start getting down on myself for not doing better, and think about potty training Sierra or thinking I should do more with Carter and then I just start feeling tired, which I already am...you know, that pity party roller coaster that gets nobody anywhere.  But we all do it sometimes, right?  I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad for me, just like to express and share stuff.  I'm a girl:)  Chris will be going back to school in 2-3 weeks so I know that is coming, which means things will only get worse.  I joked with a friend that I will probably start drinking then.  Seriously no, but I foresee a lot more Dr. Pepper in my future and tears.

Sierra has definitely been in her terrible 2's which has just added to things.  Keaton will be good one day but then she is terrible.  Or vice versa; guess that happens once you have multiple kids.  I've had a few mornings where all three kids are crying and need something.  Fun.  I've had to learn to move faster and multi task even more.  With Sierra when she can't communicate to me what she wants/needs I try to get her to show me.  It doesn't always work, but at least we are trying to solve the problem.  She likes to scream a lot, hit, spit and throw things.  We are trying to be consistent with time outs and listing consequences.  I have no idea if she is listening or learning anything, but we have to do something.  I try not to get frustrated with her but it isn't easy.  Some days I wonder why people even have kids.  Oh boy.  I tell people I had kids just so I will have grand kids one day.  Haha.  I hear it's the reward and so fun so I look forward to that:)  Don't get me wrong there are great things with kids, but it's not all rainbows.  Let's not kid ourselves here.  I have a disabled kid, a terrible 2's and a newborn- that speaks for itself some days.  It's hard as a woman and parent to not get down on yourself at the end of the day and think I can do better or should have.  But thankfully, we get a new start everyday and hopefully it will be better and easier.  Sometimes it won't, but I have chocolate and Dr. Pepper for that.

I've also realized something about myself over time- that I have high expectations for people in my life.  It's not the same for everyone and it can change depending on my mood, but I do.  I say it's because I would do it for them, if that makes sense.  I feel like I have a lot to offer and am willing to do for those I love, even if never given the chance, so I expect it of people.  There are friends I expect little of because I understand their situation, and others I've learned to not expect much because our lives are in different places.  I have to be realistic so I don't feel let down.  But with family, I do expect a lot.  And most of the time, we get a lot.  With Carter being disabled and the new baby I felt like we should be the top of every one's list.  I don't know if that sounds cocky or weird, but that's how I felt.  We can't have anyone babysit Carter because of his feeding and meds, and with a newborn you should expect more help.  I have received a lot of help and have recognized and been thankful for that, but it's been hard still.  With summer people have had vacations and other obligations, and sometimes communication isn't always understood how you thought it would be.  I try to make my expectations clear so people don't have to read my mind.  It was hard too because my mom had surgery and her own things she needed to deal with, which is understandable.  When I had Sierra I really wanted the time to bond with her so we had help with Carter everyday for like two months.  I've had help with Carter because of the funds we received, which is huge, but I wanted help more with Sierra so I could focus on healing and the baby.  It has worked in some ways and not in others.  I've had to tell myself to be grateful for what help I've received and to move on.  

I've had some family relationships that I've had to kind of cut off and step back from for awhile, possibly indefinitely.  It was sad to have to make that decision but it sure helped with my stress.  A quote on Facebook inspired me because it said, "Either you invite drama, cause drama, or associate with people that cause drama..."  I don't remember the rest, but I realized I needed to not associate with certain people because of all the drama.  I'm not saying I have never caused drama, I have, but certain people certainly were causing a lot that was unnecessary.  It was hazardous to my well being and life.  I had a friend on Facebook that reassured me in my decision, and even though it still doesn't make sense to some family members, it was the right decision for me.  I believe that families can be forever, but I focus more on my family of five in that regard.  Our extended and even more extended family relationships are also important, but not as much.  So when I decided that, and focused more on my own family of five, I have felt much better.  Anyway, instead of venting anymore I am going to go hold my baby boy and count my blessings so I feel better.

Thanks for reading!

3 comments:

  1. Hello Heather,
    Have I said Congrats??? I hope so. Just wanted to say I totally understand that feeling of not having time to do anything beyond the every day needs and feeling bad that you don't do more for Carter. I get it! I too had some post partem depression which was not helped by Zoe being in the ICU when Ailsa was only 5 weeks old! And I hear what you are saying about others not doing for you what you would do for them. I too thought if I just made myself clear, then they would get it and be helpful. I then discovered some people are not able (or maybe they just don't want to) be as helpful as I want them to be. And some people are just not helpful at all and you DO need to cut them out because it just adds to your stress and depression. I hope you are able to get some support by way of a trained professional to talk to or even medication. We all have moments in life where we need that help to get through. And most of all, I hope you get some good rest! Having sleep makes all difference!!!

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  2. Thanks Genevieve! How are your cute girls? I hope you are all healthy and well! I get that not everyone is as helpful or wants to be. Making my expectations or wants clear seems to help. I have gotten more sleep which has helped, and Keaton is such a sweet baby. Carter is back in school and doing well and Sierra is a work in progress:) We are very blessed, just some days you forget parts of it:) Thanks for reading and writing me! I really appreciate it.

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  3. Heather, trying to respond to your letter regarding the Fall Festival at the Sanderson Center on October 10, 2014. Will you please contact me with your home address so we may send you a response? My email is jrhill@utah.gov, 801-263-4886 (voice) or 801-657-5210 (vp).

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