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Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Losing it at the ER

I know this won't be an uplifting post, so this is not for the faint of heart.  I like to use this blog to vent and express my feelings honestly and sometimes bluntly.  I have never pretended to be a super Mom even though people keep telling me that I am.  They have no idea, they just assume I am.  I was given this life without a choice, and I have had to deal with it the best I can.  And lately, I haven't been handling it so well.  Carter had RSV and pneumonia just 3 months ago and missed Christmas with us.  He was life flighted and spent 9 days at the hospital.  He and I got sick more times than I can count after that, and just a few weeks ago both of us got strep.  I ended up in the ER myself because I developed like an abscess and swelling so I could hardly breathe.  I am still not fully recovered- I can hardly taste food and my lymph nodes are still swollen.  Anyway, this caused us also to miss our anniversary celebrations.  They were postponed for over a week and it was only half as long.  We now have medical bills trickling in that I will have to pay over time.  All of these frustrations have left me emotionally and physically tired.  I also feel I have lost a lot of faith in God and prayer.  I know it might sound weak, but I can only take so much.

Being Carter's mom has been THE hardest thing I have EVER gone through.  I have been divorced before and lost close friends and a wonderful Grandma.  But this has tested me above and beyond.  Everyone says "this too shall pass" or "we'll pray for you" or "you are amazing."  Let me be clear.  I am not amazing.  It is my wonderful husband Chris.  He is steadfast, patient, immensely strong and holds me up when I would have fallen many times.  Our families have also lended support and some friends.  But the sicknesses won't stop coming no matter what anyone does.  I know it's been a terrible winter for many and sickness has been rampant, but I feel especially hit by this.  It's hard to constantly be tested and miss out on precious sleep.  I am tired.  I want to be happy- better yet, I want Carter to have a strong immune system and to be strong and be healed.  I know that won't happen, and it makes me so sad.  I have little hope for the future, in this bleak moment.  I know I am choosing to fuel my anger/sadness/ pity party but I need to once in awhile.  I have wept more tears in these 3 years than my whole life.

I often think selfishly and how this all affects me and my baby Sierra, but I tend to miss that Chris and Carter are suffering too.  An empty pot can't give to others without first being full itself or at least partially.  I know many have helped and have wanted to, but it's not enough.  I am painfully aware of my shortcomings as a mother, and only hope one day Carter can forgive me.  I am prone to depression and anxiety and am a bit obsessive compulsive.  I like routine and order and cleanliness.  Today, Carter was asked to go home from preschool, because his eyes were goopying green stuff, he was breathing fast and had a fever and cough.  I was at a friend's and had to cut the visit short to pick him up, it's a 30 min drive, and brought him home.  He was breathing fast, had fevers off and on, goop in his eye and increased heart rate.  I also had to drive almost the same route a few hours later for my dentist appointment, but was told upon arriving my appointment needed to be canceled.  I was pretty mad- I also missed out on going grocery shopping which I love to do.  My wonderful friend and neighbor, a nurse, came over to check Carter out a bit later, and suggested like we thought, that he needed to be taken in.  After over 4 hours in the ER and just a chest xray which was not conclusive, as usual, and watching them poke my poor Carter in the hand for an IV when it never works the first time, I had it.  I blew up on the nurse, even though I know it wasn't her fault, but I couldn't take it anymore.  I was sick of waiting, answering the same questions over and over, and waiting for nothing to happen.  They are so SLOW!

Because of his history they were reluctant to let him go home.  My husband suggested firmly but kindly I go home and sleep, and here I am now.  My husband has to go to work in 5 hours, but he is still at the hospital with Carter waiting with him for a room.  I am sorry for not being stronger, but I know my limitations.  This anger inside me has made me a bitter person.  I pretend to strangers or acquaintances that I'm okay, but I'm not.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I feel like I am circling the cycle of grief or acceptance, only to stay on anger and short burst of elation.  I don't know how to accept my life and trials with poise.  I know there are many in similar or worse situations, and that is what makes me even sadder.  I have much empathy for people and feel their pain deeply as my own.  I often find myself in tears over posts on blogs or Facebook because life is just so hard.  For so many.  So I don't pretend my life is the worst, it's just so hard.  I know spring is here but I am not feeling the joy.  I hope the warm weather will help Carter be stronger, but I doubt it.  I don't want to ask for prayers for me, but for Carter.  He is a sweet, innocent boy that didn't ask for this.  He has endured his life stoically, bravely and patiently.  He is amazing and an example to me.