My Carter: Tear Jerker

For the past little while I've been writing a gratitude journal about Carter to help give me perspective.  I will share a few of these things with you:
- I love his smile and laugh, he is a very joyful boy
- I love his sweet personality, he just exudes this
- He is patient with his trials and life
- I love his hugs and how affectionate he is
- I love his baby blue eyes
- When he bites blankets or soft animals it makes me laugh
- he is so happy on horses or just going for rides in the car or wagon, simple pleasures
- he lights up when someone interacts with him closely

I have felt more tender and loving towards Carter lately, perhaps in part because I have tried putting myself in his shoes.  I don't know how much he understands about what goes on around him so that must be scary.  He has to trust us completely to do everything for him, like a baby does.  He has to deal with sickness and hospital stays, and he does so patiently.  When he is in pain or uncomfortable he can't tell us.  I just imagine this big and wonderful spirit inside him, with a grown up perspective, in this little imperfect body.  He amazes me daily by just being him.  Taking religion into perspective, I don't know anything for sure other than that he is already perfect.  He cannot make mistakes or be judged for them because he is a perfect soul.  I think, I don't know, that he chose to come on earth knowing he would have these trials.  That amazes me because it shows me just how wonderful he is.  It reminds me of a book I read and this quote, which I may have shared before.
                                "There was no pettiness, or criticism, or sarcasm or wickedness in Carter.  He has no selfishness or ill-intent.  He seems almost to be living the life Jesus taught...yet all who should have recognized godliness overlooked him.  His physical limitations...were not a punishment for him, but were designed by his own heart so that he might be an example for the rest of us....Only a large soul, far advanced, can give so much just so that others might see more clearly.  Such is a means of allowing the rest of us to place our own grievances in their proper perspective, and of showing us how much even the weakest among us is capable of giving.  We can see, or not see.  The choice is ours."  - Threads, A Reincarnation of Anne Boleyn

When I read this passage in the book, which had nothing to do really with disabled kids, it screamed Carter to me.  He is my example, and his sacrifice will be rewarded greatly one day.  I hope to be a loving mother to him, patient and kind.  So that one day when I can see what his soul looks like, what he really looks like with no disabilities, not only will I be in awe....but I hope he will be proud of me.  For I am already proud of him.

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is just waiting for us."